I guess sometimes, when you see something so ludicrous, so tiny, your curiosity implores you to check it out for yourself. Then wear it to the beach and review it for the entertainment for thousands of strangers. Naturally.
If you haven’t seen the v-string bikini trend, let me explain: For some ungodly reason, Australian swimwear brands have modernized the G-string. The G-string, you see, is apparently unacceptably conservative and covers way too much.
Enter, the V-string bikini — something that will showcase every ingrown hair you’ve had since you were 17. Hooray!
It’s tricky to find an Instagram model who isn’t wearing a V-string in her latest mirror selfie, or an Aussie e-commerce store that isn’t flogging them to their millennial customers.It’s 2019 and, if my social media feed is anything to go by, side boob is out — side vagina is in.
If you’re inclined to purchase a V-string for yourself, you’ll be delighted to know the “Heron” bikini from Beginning Boutique is just $39.95! A rather affordable price for glorified indecent exposure, yes?
Once you factor in the necessary 10 rounds of laser hair removal (about $450) and Barbie-inspired labiaplasty (about $5000), you’ll be looking at about $5489.95 for the complete look.
That’s provided you don’t get stung for public nudity, which could be punishable by a fine of up to $2000. Totally worth it for the Instagram photo, though.
“Take it to the beach with a white or red bikini top for a sizzling summer look,” the brand promises on their website.
So, that’s exactly what I did. At Melbourne’s iconic St Kilda beach.